The Adventures of Thomas Chrystian Santellana

Eudora 5.2 is not for noobs,...

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 06:08:46 GMT

she called back. we are at the phase "Just add the certificate."

The multi-click Orwellian Nitemare hidden behind the innocently simple sounding step "Just add the certificate" was compounded by the overall jankiness of eudora 5.2.

the user was agitated, naturally. but i was able to talk her thru FINDING the correct "last ssl info" button. there were only like 9 of them, in all kinds of wierd little places as she had multiple email addresses and multiple personalities in eudora. from the proper "last ssl info" button we were able to identify the invovlveed.com 'certificate', but sadly- we also had to navigate a viper's nest of scary looking config settings. mostly i just went with my gut OR the defaults to fill in the config settings. even after we found the elusive "add to trusted server list" button- the journey was far from over. we still had to verify that the item we clicked on was STILL the one we wanted ( it was not at first ), then it wanted to browse to a file, then we had to take a little side trip when the darn Micro$oft certification installation wizard attacked us. the wizard revaled ever more strange and dangerous looking config settings, we went exclusively with the defaults with eyes tight shut but with me making notes on each config setting and its possibilites in case we had to walk this maze again, as i was almost certain we would. we clicked the mocking "Finished" button. LIAR!

having defeated the M$ wizard the little icon next to the certificate was STILL a little skull and crossbones and NOT the snarky little smiley face we were expecting. i put on my wizard robe and hat and prepare to traverse the mazes again, but even with my map of the possibilities, i may still be looking at a long long trek. my spirit reached a new low in crushed-dom. aw what the hell, before we head into the dark again we take a shot at yet another restart and retry and,.... holy mother of perl! IT WORKS!!!

we test incoming and outgoing. both work! i am on the floor and in tears. the cat sits on the side of my head. oh no. new problem! there is an echo on the phones, oh no wait- thats just the sound of my voice reverberating against the underside of my desk. its 8:20 pm. i am working from home but somehow i still just WANT to go home. she wants more. cursors!

she wants to check webmail usability. but. eudora is working. oh yeah, some people travel and expect webmail usabilty. certainly, should be a walk in the park. no. its not. her browsers are old and moldy. her winxp is slow and under resourced. i can feel her overtaxed memory screaming in pain. its echo will haunt me forever. i get her password and am able to log in fine. she tries IE. fails. she tries firefox, fails. we turn the browsers off and on again, we yell at firefox to accept the damn cookies already! and eventually, eventually- webmail for her WORKS. nothing is in it of course because we already downloaded her messages to eudora ( HATE EUDORA! ) 5.2. of course. but she sees the webmail interface and she is disappointed. well of course she is. she did not want webmail after all, she 'thought' webmail was spasm, the spam filter interface. terminology is a bitch, what a shame. after i dig the pen out of the back of my hand i am happy to direct her to the shiny new spam filter interface thingy.

i reply to her email with a link to the sonicwall spam filter thingy link. i give her the ULTRA quick sonicwall tour. she wants more; woman what are you!? and animal?! a monster robot!? some kind of tech devouring mutant cyborg koala shark dragon!?!? she says she seems to be missing email from December 1st, 2nd and 3rd. prior to that she had cleaned out her stuff, but from the 1st, 2nd and 3rd- apart from the stuff she sees from the 4th in sonic wall, she seems to think is missing. oh no. i think she just clicked "all" and instead of clicking the "delete" button i think she may have instead clicked the "unjunk" button. its 8:45 pm and i think she just mass unjunked hundreds of emails. i've been trying to disengage now for just over an hour. call time according to zoiper, the voip utility is one hour and forty minutes. we do seem to eventually find email on the days she said was missing, and oh good she's happy. all we need do is page back a few. she spies the lost spam, we are green. my soul is drafty from the rips, but she has her eudora working, webmail is working- and bookmarked! she even gets ( more or less ) how to check the spam filter.

the call was right about 2 hours.

one full hour past time to clock out. i need booze now. now.

Music Media

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:33:26 GMT

To my various peeps and such.

Music. From a good friend of mine.

Check out the link, buy the music. lemme know what all ya think. I quite like the work.

http://cdbaby.com/cd/nickyfynn

visit it. YOU GO NOW!!! enjoy. buy.

oh and don't forget to buy several copies for all of your own peeps as well. haha, i shill me.

OH AND ONE MORE THING!

after you buy and appreciate it- write a comment about it on amazon. express what you think of the work.

Where the hell is everybody!?!

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 17:24:05 GMT

So i get to houston and i visit ( or try to visit ) all my usual haunts, and much has changed. i have few phone numbers of my houston people. i', 5035236662. where ever the hell you guys are. fuckin call me? I'm only in town till wednesday.

Thomas Chrystian Santellana

Houston Visit.

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 04:03:19 GMT

I will be in Houston from jan 24th 2008 to jan 29th 2008. hope to see you there.

Thomas

SILENCE! i am surfing the internetz.

Thu, 10 May 2007 01:08:54 GMT

no, scratch that. i've been silent far too long. TOO LONG!

so i leave it to you. the unwashed masses. comment to me a topic. something i can write about. something i can, god help me- BLOG about. ask me a question. bid me to make clear an opinion i have of such and such occurrence or this and that so and so.

blog yer own adventure type stuff.

you make a comment. i think bout it. and then i spew some kind of long winded (or not) diatribe of pompous volcanic vocabulary madness.

let the comments for requests for bloginess commence!

Packing Party

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 01:41:01 GMT

I'm a move-ing to Oregon. Yes, again.

This Saturday, June 3rd 2006 at My place,

6130 Havelock Avenue #2 Lincoln Nebraska 68507

BEER and PIZZA!

If you are in this neck of the corn fields stop on by and help me pack some boxes and load up the damn rental truck.

Tue, 09 May 2006 18:10:21 GMT

Dear Madam Ahmadinejadabad,

Thank you for your interest in American Brand Democracy!™ , Its support like yours that Keeps Freedom Rolling™!

Certainly your concerns are important to us and your specific complaints will eventually be addressed by our outsourced Indian Complaints Department (pending approval from our Department of Israeli Acquiescence, of course!). In the meantime please enjoy this/these two complimentary immigrants and we look forward to your future business! And remember - American Brand Democracy™, it’s the Freedom-est!

Affectionately Yours,

(auto_response_bot_297)

American Brand Democracy™, a subsidiary of Global Oil Interests LLC

Easter, eggroll

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 20:11:16 GMT

With Easter apparently right around the corner I heard a report on CNN about some kids playing some wierd lame field day egg roll game.

My need for an eggroll has reached mission critical status. I must have an eggroll, I MUST HAVE AN EGGROLL!

general request for tech help

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 19:20:43 GMT

i gots me a winxp box that boots up with NO start bar or desktop icons. any gurus out there done battle with this beast before? IM me on Yahoo! chat thingy, UN = santellana_thomas

TCS

PRESS RELEASE

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 20:20:56 GMT

ANNOUNCEMENT: TCS Secret Weapons Disarmament Complete

LINCOLN, Nebraska, Sept. 26 (UNS) -- The Grand Inquisitor of a renowned and highly respected Intergalactic weapons decommissioning group announced Monday that Thomas Chrystian Santellana has apparently surrendered and melted down all of his weaponry.

General Brigadier General John Bigboomy, Grand Inquisitor of the Independent Intergalactic Commission De Decommissioning and Meltification of Weapons N Stuff said "eye popping shit-tons of all kinds of neato weaponry, which we believe made up the entire arsenal in Thomas Chrystian Santellana’s possession," had been "rounded up, all them TCS stickers was removed and then they was all unceremoniously melted down! Yee Haw! The resulting melted slab was then anonymously donated to charitable institutions, I seen it!", as reported by Nuns and Ammo Fortnightly.

Bigboomy went on to state that the commission had been given estimates in 1999 by the Martian and Plutonian Secret Security Forces on what the bulk of the Thomas Chrystian Santellana Arsenal was believed to be, and that a cursory glance of the huge slab of melted goop donated to Am-nasty Intergalactic was described as "lookin pretty much like its all been melted the hell down, ah yup! No more weapons for that madman! Booh Yah!". Bigboomy reported the arsenal to have included “plasma rifles, robo guns, invisible mortars, intergalactic nuclear missiles, hamguns, explosive puddings, flame spitters, planet-to-planet missiles and ammunition of various shapes, sizes and smells! Yup, the whole cat and skeddadle!”.

The inventorying of weapons was witnessed by genuinely accredited and well known Holy Men from the Interplanatary Church of Tzu Sun’s Son Sue and a couple of guys claiming to be devout Protestants.

Bigboomy proclaimed that now all that remains for a true Galactic Peace to be realized- is for the Independent Intergalactic Commission De Decommissioning and Meltification of Weapons N Stuff to oversee the issue of disarming the many many many enemies of Thomas Chrystian Santellana. "Yeah, I am totally committed to Galactic Peace and all that," says Santellana, "spent the last few years cleaning out the ol weapons closet. Even had them crazy ol monks, or whatever the hell they are, watch me melt it all to useless slag! Whee doggie! Choke on that naysayers! I'm meeting you halfway!".

"Whadya mean them hippies don't believe me?! Damn it!" Santellana went on to say "I guess I shoulda outghta taken some damn 'before and after' pictures or somethin. Aww damn it!".

To all my peeps in Houston,...

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 21:27:41 GMT

People people people,...

Is this the calm BEFORE the storm? We gonna be in a world 'o' shit here.

D O N ' T P A N I C !

Just because the Government/Authority SAYS or ADVISES doin something, that don't necessarily make it a sensible thing to do.

RELAX, mind your manners, listen to the Government/Authority BUT also listen to your Gut too. Sometimes the Government/Authority will be wrong, sometimes your Gut will be wrong. THINK! Sit and Cry if ya gotta, Tuck and Roll if ya gotta, if the shit hits the fan - UNPLUG the fan, and break out the cleaning supplies.

Not all will be ok, not everybody will make it thru the weekend - but everyday is the End of the World for somebody somewhere, always has been. Chances of Karmic Survival increase in direct proportion to your ability to mantain Good Manners. Play nice, and help the others as you are able AND accept the help of others as needed. Whether you weather the weather or not, you are loved.

Thomas Chrystian Santellana

belated health report, week fricken 7!

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 20:39:26 GMT

late posting online as i spent much time reading up on katrina coverage. getting caught up tho. as usual, this is of little interest to few people besides me:

http://www.fulori.com/~darkfear/public/health/workout_notes_09092005_wk07.html

belated health report - week 6

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 18:14:53 GMT

late posting online as i spent much time reading up on katrina coverage. as usual, this is of little interest to few people besides me:

http://www.fulori.com/~darkfear/public/health/workout_notes_09022005.html

Teh Health Reportski - week 5

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 21:47:27 GMT

Its not really of any interest to anybody besides me and a few people, but here it is:

http://www.fulori.com/~darkfear/public/health/workout_notes_08262005.html

week 4 i think, of healthy scheduled activity

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 01:52:10 GMT

late posting online but,...

Thomas Chrystian Santellana - Work Out Routine Notes - 08192005

	Warm Up	Flexibility Improvement	Aerobics Training	Strength Training	Abs Training	Cool Down	Review/Records
Sat ~~08/13~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	45 minutes Exercise Bike (High)	Recovery	Crunches and Vacuums	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Sun 08/14	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	Recovery	30 minutes 7 kinds, 3 Sets Each	Obliques	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Mon ~~08/15~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	45 minutes Exercise Bike (High)	Recovery	Crunches and Vacuums	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Tue ~~08/16~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	Recovery	30 minutes 7 kinds, 3 Sets Each	Obliques	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Wed ~~08/17~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	45 minutes Exercise Bike (High)	Recovery	Crunches and Vacuums	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Thur ~~08/18~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	Recovery	30 minutes 7 kinds, 3 Sets Each	Obliques	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Fri ~~08/19~~	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Review While Eating Fast Food

Sat 08-13 Notes: Worked out while brainstorming with ben on the killy bonka project. It was easy to work out and talk at same time. Warm up was easy. stretching was easy, did 13 positions with most of them held for 60 seconds each. , but I kept losing count - MUST get a stopwatch! Aerobics was easy, kept writing and reading while on excerbike. ab stuff easy, 45 crunches, and 50 vacuums. cool down easy. cool down done at 7:43 pm. hung out I had a nice glass of wine and chatted with laura, kami, ben and dustin for a short while before hitting the shower.

Start = 5:50 pm

Fin = 8:15 pm

Weight = 200 lbs

Sun 08-14 Notes: warm up, no problems. Flexibility, no problems, 13 positions most held for 60 seconds. Strength training – lunges, 20 with 20 lbs each arm. Bench Press, 3 sets of 8 reps of 80 lbs. One Arm Dumb Bell Rows, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs each. Alternating Dumb Bell Press 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 each. Concentration Curls, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 each. Seated Triceps Press, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs. Side Dumb Bell Raises, 3 sets of 10 reps of 7 ½ lbs each. Abs Training – Dumb Bell Side Bends, 50 with 20 lbs each arm. 40 crossover crunches, 40 oblique crunches. Cool down easy, done at 7:02 pm. arms felt weak after work out, very like spent. Overall workout fairly easy to get thru today.

Start = 5:30 pm

Fin = 7:20 pm

Weight = 198 lbs

Mon 08-15 Notes: warm up easy. had a very busy day at work so I was very gung ho about getting into the workout. Flexibility - good stretch, but hard to relax as I was feeling very amped up. got thru 13 positions held most for 60 secs each. aerobics – started to feel more mellow during aerobics, then started feeling drained about half way thru. Abs – 45 crunches, 50 vacuums, all kinda tough to get thru. Cool down – easy, done at 7:10 pm. when looking at myself I think I got a long ways to go still, I look like a big nerdy dork. Im making notice-able progress, but I still gotta keep going and going.

Start = 5:15 pm

Fin = 7:35 pm

Weight = 190 lbs

Tue 08-16 Notes: actually started on time today! Cool down - easy. flexibility – easy. got thru 13 postions held most for 60 seconds each. strength training – bench press easy, all others kinda tough. lunges, 20 with 20 lbs each arm. Bench Press, 3 sets of 8 reps of 80 lbs. One Arm Dumb Bell Rows, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs each. Alternating Dumb Bell Press 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 each. Concentration Curls, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 each. Seated Triceps Press, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs. Side Dumb Bell Raises, 3 sets of 10 reps of 7 ½ lbs each. Abs Training – Dumb Bell Side Bends, 50 with 20 lbs each arm. 40 crossover crunches, 40 oblique crunches. Cool down – easy, done at 6:30 pm.

Start = 5:00 pm

Fin =6:55 pm

Weight = 185 lbs

Wed 08-17 Notes: warm up = tough getting started. Lots of distractions, FUCK! Flexibility = interruptions! Got thru 13 positions most held around 60 seconds each, but got interrupted a couple of times and had to start some over from scratch. a number of things at work left me feeling kinda pissed off, frustrating details dealing with tech problems. Difficult staying focused on work out. aerobics – INTERRUPTED! Got like 15 minutes into it then got off bike because I thought some one was knocking on back door, started over from scratch, FUCK! Abs - No problems with ab stuff, 45 crunches, 55 vacuums. Cool down – no real problems, 7:25 pm. I made it thru the days work out, but I was in a very pissed off and annoyed state of mind. I did not feel like working out and I couldn’t even use being pissed off in being more into working out. I got thru it tho, and only one more day to go till I get a day off. After work out I pent ALL NIGHT at office taking care of my technical problems and between running different little utility programs I actually ended up MOVING around almost all the office furniture. I moved into a larger office and set up two workstations in it, also swapped out a couple of desks and got much of the office store room in order. Did not get to sleep till like 6 in the morning.

Start = 5:15 pm

Fin = 7:50 pm

Weight = 185 lbs

Thur 08-18 Notes: only got 5 or so hours of sleep, then went to work and finished getting the office store room in order. Left early for the day so I could start my work out early and get it over with early so I could get ready for a tarot card reading gig at Nico’s in Omaha. Very early start to days work out. warm up – feeling already worn out from a late nite of moving office furniture around! Tv choices different at this time of day. Not bad or anything, just different. Made it thru warm up. flexibility – kinda easy to do today, tho I kept feeling like I wanted to fall over made it thru 13 positions most held for 60 seconds each. Strength Training - .lunges, 20 with 20 lbs each arm. Bench Press, 3 sets of 8 reps of 80 lbs. One Arm Dumb Bell Rows, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs each. Alternating Dumb Bell Press 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 each. Concentration Curls, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 each. Seated Triceps Press, 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs. Side Dumb Bell Raises, 3 sets of 10 reps of 7 ½ lbs each. Abs Training – Dumb Bell Side Bends, 50 with 20 lbs each arm. 40 crossover crunches, 40 oblique crunches. Cool down – dreary but satisfying, done at 4:49 pm. I did NOT think I’d make it thru the entire work out! I thought I would pass out halfway thru the warm up and wake up late to the tarot reading gig! Afterwards I felt spent but very very satisfied and accomplished. I think after some careful grooming I even ended up looking halfway decent for the nites event.

Start = 3:15 pm

Fin = 5:25 pm

Weight = 185 lbs

Fri 08-12 Notes: spent Friday in Omaha visiting peeps. Friday was a very relaxing day. Didn’t go too nuts eating too much less than healthy food. Got falling down drunk later in the evening while watching lots of x files episodes. I am wondering if I should take an entire week off at some point? Like maybe try to work out weekly, but take every 8^th week off or maybe every 15^th week off. I’ll have to think about that. when I look over the log of what I’m eating im thinking I should try eating lighter meals on days I do aerobics stuff and heavier meals on days I do strength training. I am checking my appearance daily, but I think I should only film my results every other week. Every other Thursday or Friday nite, to be specific. I still gotta print up that revised list of excuses and the cooresponding counter arguments. And I should print a lot more motivational stuff to put all over the walls. I was late POSTING this weeks work out notes, but not in like a bad way or anything. I was working that gig at nico’s and then spent most of Friday in Omaha. I kept written notes and DID stick with all my routine but because of the scheduled gig I am later than usual with online posting the weekly report. Im actually thinking about posting this stuff on Saturday instead of Friday as I had been since Friday is actually one of the days im reporting about, it seems like I should let Friday play out before I post.

All day

NO weight taken.

Eating rules lax.

TO BUY LIST:

Fat calipers, food scale (digital!), NEW bathroom scale (also digital!), new set of dumb bells, new bench (more wide!), gloves for bench press, healthy groceries, STOPWATCH!, aerobics dvd, pilates dvd more mirrors (at least one really big mirror too), burn some motivational mix cd’s and dvd(and not just ‘eye of the tiger’over and over in a loop! Try to time relaxing music to coincide with stretching and cool down!). hmmm. im still dragging ass on getting out and BUYING stuff, i should really buy more stuff soon.

Its not really of any interest to anybody besides me and a few people.

I keep getting freakin tagged

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 19:37:34 GMT

I’ve been tagged by a few people to name six songs that I am currently digging ...
I’m not tagging anybody and I’m naming 7 songs:

1: “I Wanna be a Super Model” by Jill Sobule

http://www.joytunes.com/jk-dir/jill-sobule/i-wanna-be-a-supermodel.html

What do you want from me damn it?! I been working out lately!

2: Theme from “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends”

http://www.cartoonnetwork.com/tv_shows/fosters/

Its just soo darn catchy.

3: “Fett’s Vette” by MC Chris

http://www.mcchris.com/

http://asmallvictory.net/archives/008551.html

http://67.18.79.2/lab/mp3/mc%20chris%20-%20life's%20a%20bitch%20and%20i'm%20her%20pimp%20-%20fett's%20vette.mp3

Just keeps playing over and over in my head.

4: “Satisfaction” by Benny Benassi

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=850&CAT=movies&NSFW=0&rtn=search-850&searchstring=satisfaction

Again, I been working out lately. One has to stay motivated.

5: “Here Comes Your Man” by The Pixies

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Here_Comes_Your_Man

Few days ago got an email from 1st gf, so song entered my mind.

6: “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers

http://www.letssingit.com/?/killers-the-mr-brightside-9w363tr.html

It seemed like it was getting a lot of ‘play’ recently, and I happen to dig on it.

7: “Clint Eastwood” by Gorillaz

http://fans.gorillaz.com/music/multimedia-video.html

http://fans.gorillaz.com/music/lyrics.html

http://music.ninemsn.com.au/mediapopup.aspx?MediaID=11180

I still like it lots. I hope all the links work.

Teh Health Report

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 22:21:46 GMT

Thomas Chrystian Santellana - Work Out Routine Notes - 08122005

	Warm Up	Flexibility Improvement	Aerobics Training	Strength Training	Abs Training	Cool Down	Review/Records
Sat ~~08/06~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	45 minutes Exercise Bike (High)	Recovery	Crunches and Vacuums	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Sun ~~08/07~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	Recovery	30 minutes 7 kinds, 3 Sets Each	Obliques	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Mon ~~08/08~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	45 minutes Exercise Bike (High)	Recovery	Crunches and Vacuums	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Tue ~~08/09~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	Recovery	30 minutes 7 kinds, 3 Sets Each	Obliques	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Wed ~~08/10~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	45 minutes Exercise Bike (High)	Recovery	Crunches and Vacuums	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Thur ~~08/11~~	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	13 positions	Recovery	30 minutes 7 kinds, 3 Sets Each	Obliques	15 min Exercise Bike (Low)	Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes
Fri ~~08/12~~	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Review While Eating Fast Food

Sat 08-06 Notes: warm up was slowish. I felt sluggish, very sluggish. Forgot one of my leg stretches BUT- I realized it after only a few minutes on the exercise bike (aerobics) so I stopped on bike, did the stretch I missed then just started the aerobics portion from scratch. did 40 crunches and 45 vacuums. Kami, Laura and Scotty were one room over, laughing an govoreeting. the lot of them were smecking away and not caring about the wicked work out world one bit. I felt anti-social and considered postpone-ing my work out till later in the evening but I could not bring myself to leave the little boxes unchecked! I made a note to buy more gym equipment for my room (I’ll figure out how to fit it in later) so that I can invite people to work out with me such that I might avoid using “not wanting to feel anti-social” as an excuse to consider not checking the little boxes.
Start = 5:00 pm
Fin = 6:33 pm
Weight = 200 ??? Scale is wacky!
Sun 08-07 Notes: warm up was easy. stretching was relaxing. strength training = lunges, 20 with 15 lbs each arm. bench press, 3 sets of 8 reps of 65 lbs. one arm dumb bell rows, 3 sets of 8 reps of 20 lbs each (added weight here). alternating dumb bell press 3 sets of 10 reps of 15 lbs each. concentration curls 3 sets of 8 reps of 20 lbs each(added weight here too, felt perfect). seated triceps press 3 sets of 8 reps of 15 lbs. side dumb bell raises 3 sets of 10 reps of 5 lbs each (lowered weight, this felt maybe a little too easy). abs training = 50 dumb bell side bends with 15 lbs each hand. 40 oblique crunches. 40 crossover crunches. Cool down easy. right after work out laura treated kami and I to subway, yay! Tho I must admit the damn subway commercials always make me want to eat a subway sandwich AND a big mac since they show them side by side. damn jared fuckers. I figured I’d be safe going to subway but the global fast food conspiracy gnawed at my achilles’ heel (which in me is my stomach)! Laura knew the guy who worked there and he scored us complimentary drinks. I have an aversion to accepting a ‘free’ couch (no good can come of a ‘free’ couch!) but I try to never refuse free drink or food. It was a quandary. I was flustered and in the time crunch I ordered ‘diet’ cola. In retrospect I should have ordered tea, it had not occurred to me at the time. Later as I was choke-ing down the diet swill there was some confusion as to which drink was really diet. Drinks were passed around and sampled. They all tasted kinda the same, and all bad. It pained me to not fully enjoy and appreciate a free beverage. I must develop stock responses to offers of food or drink that contradict my health goals WITHOUT appearing ungracious. Perhaps when I am offered free unhealthy food/drink I should scream in horror and run away?
Start = 5:00 pm
Fin = 6:10 pm
Weight = 199 ??? Scale is lazy.
Mon 08-08 Notes: late start, was busy at the office. felt angry that I started late, used that anger and had a very gung ho work out. Went faster than usual on exercise bike every time I was on it. 40 crunches and 45 vacuums, I felt like I COULD have done more but I didn’t want to have to match higher numbers in later work outs (not yet at least). Cool down easy.
Start = 5:45 pm
Fin = 7:20 pm
Weight = ???
Readings low as 190 and high as 210. scale sux.
Tue 08-09 Notes: Almost called off the work out because I felt really really really bummed out. It would have been easy to call off the work out using the ‘bummed out’ excuse. I remembered that in the past sometimes I’d work out in spite of being bummed out and I’d find that working out CURED the bummed-out-edness. I was bummed out enough to give working out a shot at lifting my mood. I felt really really weak. I felt really unhealthy and ugly looking. Given the choice of working out or eating any and all food I could find I WOULD have chosen to gorge myself. I did not have a choice tho; I looked at the paper with the little boxes unchecked and felt an unnerving compulsion to check them, in spite of the lack of pep. Made it thru warm up. struggled thru stretching. Drearily made it thru strength training - lunges 20 with 15 lbs each arm. bench press 3 sets of 8 reps of 70 lbs (added weight, as I figured out how to grip the bar without risk of pinching my hand, still gotta get a wide-er bench. 70 still feels too easy tho). one arm dumb bell rows 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs each. alternating dumb bell press 3 sets of 10 reps of 15 lbs each. concentration curls 3 sets of 8 reps at 20 lbs each. seated triceps press 3 sets of 8 reps of 15 lbs. side dumb bell raises 3 sets of 10 reps of 5 lbs each. abs training = 50 dumb bell side bends with 15 lbs each hand. 40 oblique crunches then 40 crossover crunches and oddly enough it was the easiest portion of the work out! A problem with the ab exercises is that if I do them ‘just right’ I tend to feel like I’ve just been punched in the gut (a feeling which goes away quickly), but I was bummed out and I guess I felt like the just-punched-in-gut feeling suited my foul mood. Cool down was no problem. I was kind of amazed and certainly pleased that I made it thru the routine, but in spite of that I STILL felt very bummed out.

Start = 5:15 pm
Fin = 6:35 pm
Weight = 200 ???
Scale fucky.
Wed 08-10 Notes: off to late start, was doing paper work related to recently paid bills. Used smug satisfaction of recently paid bills to fuel work out. warm up, easy. stretching was relaxing. aerobics on bike was easy. ab stuff = 45 crunches (added 5, I think I can match that tomorrow). 50 vacuums (added 5, I think I can match that tomorrow), felt satisfying. Cool down also easy. stopping was the only hard part. Today was a piece of friggin cake.

Start = 5:35 pm
Fin = 7:05 pm
Weight = 210???
Low reading around 190, high around 210. Scale must die.
Thur 08-11 Notes: got late start, lost track of time at the office. warm up, easy easy, added 5 minutes and kept fast pace. Stretching easy and relaxing, kept each position longer than usual. Strength training = lunges 20 with 20 lbs each arm (added weight). bench press 3 sets of 8 reps of 80 lbs (added what I thought was a lot more weight, felt better but still maybe too easy. will hold off on adding more weight for a while longer tho). one arm dumb bell rows 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs each. alternating dumb bell press 3 sets of 10 reps of 15 lbs each. concentration curls 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs each (added reps, slightly easier for right arm than left arm. Left arm barely barely made it). seated triceps press 3 sets of 10 reps of 20 lbs (added reps and weight. Could still add more weight tho). side dumb bell raises 3 sets of 10 reps of 5 lbs each (still too easy, will add more weight but not a lot). abs training = 50 dumbell side bends with 15 lbs each hand. 40 oblique crunches. 40 crossover crunches. Cool down, added 5 minutes, was easy. stopping only tough part. In spite of late start was very gung ho.

Start = 5:55 pm
Fin = 7:25 pm
Weight = 200???
Scale hates me too.
Fri 08-12 Notes: made it thru the week. I’m all like ‘wow’. I am worried about sick days. I have not gotten actually really genuinely SICK yet, but if/when it happens I don’t have something to tell myself to avoid using ‘sick’ as an excuse to avoid working out. and I probably shouldn’t work out if I am genuinely sick. I don’t know what I’m going to do the first time I have to call off the days work out because of legitimate sickness. I’ll have to figure that out.

I should write down excuses not to work out and the corresponding counter arguments and put the document up on the wall in my room.

I’ve been marking my ‘Fin’ time based on the moment I finish the cool down and I’m uncomfortable with that. from now on I’m marking the Fin time from the moment I emerge from the after work out shower.

It was a busy week and I did not have the usual problem eating between dinner and final snack of the day. If it is a problem next week the plan is to take a walk to kill time between those eating times.

Still have not had budget or time to get round to getting stuff off the ‘to buy’ list. The list grows.
All day
NO weight taken.

TO BUY LIST: Fat calipers, food scale (digital!), NEW bathroom scale (also digital!), new set of dumb bells, new bench (more wide!), gloves for bench press, healthy groceries, STOPWATCH!, aerobics dvd, pilates dvd more mirrors (at least one really big mirror too), burn some motivational mix cd’s and dvd(and not just ‘eye of the tiger’over and over in a loop! Try to time relaxing music to coincide with stretching and cool down!).

Weekly Routine (hey, i done it two weeks now and i figure i can officially can call it a 'routine')

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 18:46:01 GMT

Thomas Chrystian Santellana - Work Out Routine Notes

08052005

Warm

Flexibility

Improvement

Aerobics

Training

Strength Training

Abs Training

Cool Down

Review/Records

Sat

~~07/30~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

45 minutes

Exercise Bike (High)

Rest

Crunches and

Vacuums

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Sun

~~07/31~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

Rest

30 minutes

7 kinds, 3 Sets Each

Obliques

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Mon

~~08/01~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

45 minutes

Exercise Bike (High)

Rest

Crunches and

Vacuums

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Tue

~~08/02~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

Rest

30 minutes

7 kinds, 3 Sets Each

Obliques

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Wed

~~08/03~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

45 minutes

Exercise Bike (High)

Rest

Crunches and

Vacuums

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Thur

~~08/04~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

Rest

30 minutes

7 kinds, 3 Sets Each

Obliques

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Fri

~~08/05~~

Rest

Review While

Eating Fast Food

Warm Up – 15 Minutes - Every Day EXCEPT Friday - Exercise Bike LOW Resistance OR _________________

Flexibility – 15 minutes – 13 positions - Every Day EXCEPT Friday

Aerobic – 3 Times A Week (45 Minutes Per Session) – Exercise Bike HIGH Resistance - Mon, Wed and Sat

Strength Training – 3 Times A Week (30 Minutes Per Session, 2 Sets of Each Kind) – 7 Kinds; Lunge, Bench Press, One Arm Dumb Bell Rolls, Alternating Dumb Bell Press, Concentration Curls, Seated Triceps Press and Squats - Tues, Thurs, Sun

Abs Routine – Crunches and Vacuums on Mon, Wed and Sat. Obliques on Tues, Thurs and Sun.

Cool Down – 15 Minutes - Every Day EXCEPT Friday - Exercise Bike Low Resistance OR _________________

REVIEW – Every Friday

Sat 07-30-2005 Notes:

Woke up early on Saturday to help Tiffany with her yard work. Front and back lawn. Huge lawn. Drank three bottles of water and sweated a LOT. Also had three really solid drinks (alcohol) at Tiffanys place after the yard work. I Insited on getting home by 5 pm. Didn’t get home till like 5:25 pm. Started work out right away. Realized about 2 minutes into workout that I was really really REALLY drunk! Figured I would go as long as I could before I puked and passed out. Surprisingly I found working out while drunk to be not only kinda easy, but somewhat sobering! Made it thru entire the routine! Still only did two different ab exercises; 25 crunches and 45 vacumes. Scale VERY goofy, came in weighing like 210! That don’t make NO sense!

Sun 07-31-2005 Notes:

Watched X-files and went back and forth to office a lot doing laundry. As I was watching an X-files episode I didn’t get the work out started till 5:31 pm. Made it thru work out with no real problems. 7 lunges with 15lbs in each hand for 20 reps (alternating legs). Bench pressed 65 lbs for 3 sets of 8 reps with 30 second breaks between sets. Did THREE kinds of ab exercises, yay! Added side bends with 15lbs weights to the ab routine. Scale VERY goofy still. Could not get a consistient reading! Depending on where my feet WERE on the scale I was seeing weights as low as 209 and as high as 220! Scale fucked up a lot. MUST buy new scale!

Mon 08-01-2005 Notes:

Started work out at 5:10 pm, finished up around 6:45 pm. Felt like I kept a slow pace. I got thru it tho. Tried using a different ‘analog’ scale I found lying around. It is also wildly vauge, I got readings range-ing from 200 to 218. I gotta get a new scale. Kami mentioned it might be that the bathroom floor is not exactly level. I’ll have to try weighing myself in a different place.

Tue 08-02-2005 Notes:

Started work out at 5:05 pm, finished up around 6:15 pm. 20 lunges with 15lbs in each arm. (seems too easy, should add more weight?) - bench presses 65 lbs, 3 sets of 8 reps, took 30 second rests between reps - one arm dumb bell rows, 3 sets of 10 reps with 15lb each arm - alternating dumb bell press, 3 sets of 8 reps at 15 lbs each arm (these were tough today!) - concentration curls, 3 sets of 8 at 15lbs each arm - seated triceps press, 3 sets of 8 reps with 10 second breaks in between (I think I figured out a better way to hold the damn thing so I don’t seem like im going to bang the damn thing in the back of my head) - side dumbbell reaises 3 sets of 7 reps 15lbs each arm (too fuckin tough, gotta use less weight!). for some reason I felt like the cool down today was really tough to get thru. 210??? I dunno, scale is messed up.

Wed 08-03-2005 Notes:

Started right at 5 pm! Woo hoo! Finished right at 6:35 pm. Slow but steady. Nothing really to report beyond that. range from 200 to 210 on scale, gotta get a new one!

Thurs 08-03-2005 Notes:

Started at 5 pm, finished at 6:05 pm. 20 lunges with 15lbs in each arm (too easy, add weight next week!) - bench press, 3 sets of 8 reps at 65 lbs total - one arm dumb bell rows, 3 sets of 10 reps with 15lb each arm - alternating dumb bell press, 3 sets of 8 reps at 15 lbs each arm (these were not too tough today) - concentration curls, 3 sets of 10 at 15lbs each arm - seated triceps press, 3 sets of 8 reps with 10 second breaks in between - scale seemed to be around 202 lbs, which just seems wrong. On my way to wal mart to buy more string cheese and stuff I turned a corner and was waved at by a giant burger king order of fries, then the giant double whopper waved at me. I waved back and smiled, as I didn’t want to show any signs of fear- they would have appeared in the car with me had I not presented the image of placid and happy fast food eater. Upon closer inspection they seemed to be not really food at all, but rather people in inflatable food like suits sent by the fast food corporations as some sort of psychological warfare to subvert the masses. The evil evil bastards. My low fat cheese sticks tasted like bitter victory. While at hellmart I priced stopwatches and bathroom scales. They have som e nifty bathroom scales on the market, I’ll have to check some online reviews. A good stop watch I expect to pay up to 10 bucks for a good scale should run me about 45 bucks. I priced weight lifting gloves too, I expect to pay between 5 and 10 bucks for a pair. After 7 pm meal I was feeling very like I wanted to eat SOO I went for a walk. It felt like a 2 hour walk, but when I got home I found I had only been gone 40 minutes. I had a couple of bug bites but hardly sweated at all.

Fri 08-03-2005 Notes:

Day of rest. No budget for any fast food. I got frozen pizzas at hell mart yesterday tho, so those should be nice. Still no budget for buying stuff on the ‘to buy’ list. Damn. Adding a bigger better dayminder to the 'to buy' list. The one I have now has barely enough room to write in what im eating, and I’d like to put notes on the work out in it too, so I gotta get a bigger and better one. I’d like to see the whole week at a glance on two pages. I am wondering still when the best time to videotape my progress is, im thinking maybe every Saturday or maybe every Thursday right when I finish working out. Next week I think I'll start including my notes on what and when I've eaten.

TO BUY LIST:

Just some notes on this weeks meager attempts to get somewhat healthier

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 21:42:50 GMT

Thomas Chrystian Santellana - Work Out Routine Notes - 07252005

Warm Up – 15 Minutes - Every Day EXCEPT Friday - Exercise Bike LOW Resistance OR ?????

Aerobic – 3 Times A Week (45 Minutes Per Session) – Exercise Bike HIGH Resistance OR ????? - Mon, Wed and Sat.

Strength Training – 3 Times A Week (About 30 Minutes Per Session) – 7 Types; Lunge = 20 reps alternating legs with 15 lbs each hand, Bench Press = 3 sets of 8 reps with 65lbs, One Arm Dumb Bell Rolls = each arm 3 sets of 8 reps with 15 lbs, Alternating Dumb Bell Press = each arm 3 sets of 8 reps with 15 lbs, Concentration Curls = each arm 3 sets of 8 reps with 15 lbs, Seated Triceps Press = 3 sets of 8 reps with 15 lbs, Side Dumb Bell Raises = each arm 3 sets of 8 reps with 15 lbs - Tues, Thurs, Sun.

Flexibility – 15 minutes – 13 positions - Every Day EXCEPT Friday.

Abs Routine – Crunches and Vacuums on Mon, Wed and Sat. Obliques on Tues, Thurs and Sun.

Cool Down – 15 Minutes - Every Day EXCEPT Friday - Exercise Bike Low Resistance OR ?????

REVIEW and RECORDS KEEPING – Every Friday!

Warm

Flexibility

Improvement

Aerobics

Training

Strength Training

Abs Training

Cool Down

Review/Records

~~Mon~~

~~07/25~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

45 minutes

Exercise Bike (High)

Rest

Crunches and

Vacuums

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

~~Tue~~

~~07/26~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

Rest

30 minutes

7 types, 2 Sets Each

Obliques

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

~~Wed~~

~~07/27~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

45 minutes

Exercise Bike (High)

Rest

Crunches and

Vacuums

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

~~Thur~~

~~07/28~~

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

Rest

30 minutes

7 types, 2 Sets Each

Obliques

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Fri

07/29

Rest

Review While

Eating Fast Food

Sat

07/30

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

45 minutes

Exercise Bike (High)

Rest

Crunches and

Vacuums

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

Sun

07/31

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

15 minutes

13 positions

Rest

30 minutes

7 types, 2 Sets Each

Obliques

15 min

Exercise Bike (Low)

Shower, Check Self Out, Take Notes

SO,...

Last saturday and sunday I rode the exercise bike for about an hour each day but I spent a good part of sunday trying to hammer out some kind of weekly routine that took all the stuff I have read(red) soo far on health and fitness and mixed it all together in a way such that my various goals(improve strength, improve flexibility, visible abs) don't end up contradicting each other.  I think the above table should suffice. I read(red) that a work out should start with a 'warm up' and end with a 'cool down' and I looked at the various things I could do for the warm-up/cool-down and decided I like the exercise bike for now. Since I have yet to buy an aerobics work out dvd I figured I could just go ahead and do some time on the exercise bike in the meantime. I am already using exercise bike for warm-up/cool-down so I decided to set the bike to LOW resistance on the warm-up/cool-down and set it to a HIGHer resistance on the 'aerobics' portion of the routine.  I am alternating days for aerobics and strength training and still having a day of rest/recovery between each. Flexibility is every day except friday. After three sessions of aerobics and strength training each I have two days of 'rest/recovery' before getting right back into it again for another three sessions.

I addition to the work out routine I am also trying to eat 3 meals a day and 2 snacks at SCHEDULED times. I am trying not to go more than 3 or 4 hours between eating.  I am keeping (or tying to anyway) a written record of what I'm eating and when. My scheduled mealtimes are 9 am-breakfast, noon-lunch or mid day snack, 3 pm-mid day snack or lunch, 7 pm-dinner, 11 pm late nite snack.  I am finding the stretch between dinner and late snack to be tough to avoid eating YET I am finding I damn near have to FORCE myself to eat for breakfast and lunch. Clearly my eating habits are heavily influenced by the evils of video media!

The warm-up/cool-down this week was ok I think.

The flexibility this week was overall pretty good. I think I am doing some of the stretches wrong, so I'll have to get a more detailed book on it, or like a dvd on pilates. Mellissa recommended a brand name and when I have some spare cash I'll try to get one. In the meantime I'm trying to take the stretching slowly and check the books I have between stretching exercises to try to make sure I'm doing them correctly.

The aerobics exercise bike on high resistance training this week has been pretty easy. Next week I might add 5 minutes to this section. Wednesday I didn't get out of the office till 6:30 so I had a late start on that day. I found out that I CAN read(reed) and ride the exercise bike at the same time!

The strength training this week was flawed but enthusiastic. The lunges were just about right with 15lbs each hand. The bench press at 65 lbs was maybe too easy, but I did not have a spotter tho and the weight set I am using is a little too crowded for my taste.  I kept thinking I was gonna pinch my hands putting the weights back in place after sets of the bench press.  The one arm dumb bell rolls at 15 lbs each arm were maybe a bit too easy, I should add more weight I think. The alternating dumb bell press at 15lbs each arm felt maybe juuuust little bit too much. The concentration curls at 15lbs each arm felt too easy. The seated triceps press was confusing, it felt like not enough weight BUT the damn weight was awkward to hold and I kept thinking I would accidentally hit myeslf in the head. The side dumb bell raises at 15 lbs each arm were waay too hard, gotta make that less weight next week. Strength training was complicated this week as on wednesday I ended up doing a lot of heavy lifting at work on what was supposed to be a strength training recovery day.

The abs training I think I did barely ok at. I had gotten my notes from one of my books wrong and I only ended up doing like two exercises for each day.  I think the ones I did do, I think I did em right. I did like 20 of each ab exercise. Next week I want to add one or two more ab exercises.

On Tuesday I recorded a short video of myself, and I think I'll try to video tape my progress at least once a week. I think I should tape myself once every monday or maybe saturday. I tried to keep a daily record of my weight BUT the bathroom scale is just not working right, gotta get a new one- a digital one preferably.

stuff I gotta get/buy: fat calipers, more food (healthy whole foods and more grape fruit juice), aerobics dvd, pilates dvd, new bathroom scale (digital), scale for kitchen to weigh portions of food(also digital), another set of dumb bells, a weight bench that is more WIDE, a treadmill, couple more blank digital video tapes and incense for my room/gym.

Over all this last week went well I think. This coming week I hope to at least match this weeks progress.

The election results are in:

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 20:20:06 GMT

I’m not happy about the way the Iraq elections were run, and I’m even less happy about the outcome: according to the latest election results I’ve been elected the new President of Iraq.

Now I want to assure you all that I had no idea this was coming. I only just got the call a few minutes ago and I’m already contesting the results. It’s pretty much ruined my Valentines Day. I have enough problems as it is without having to oversee the rebuilding of some two bit pseudo country in the Middle East. I never even threw my name in the ringer, at least not that I can remember (I was pretty drunk the other weekend, hmmm). I mean, I know I’ve been bitching a lot about politics and the middle east and I may have had a strong word or two to say about our own current administration, but I had not expected all my words of outrage and protest to lead to the entire country of Iraq to stand up and collectively say "Ok Thomas, you think YOU can do a better job?! Fine! You’re the new leader of Iraq, ya pompous bastard!". Fuck. I have no idea where to begin. I mean first things first, I really think I should ask George Bush (Esteemed President of the United States) to get the heck out. I don’t know what good it would do to ask. Heck, I don’t know what his number is. I imagine I’d have a tough time getting thru.

Damn it. my email is being deluged with questions concerning Iraq policies and laws. Most of it is not in English. Damn it, this is my own damn fault for running my mouth about politics in the first place. Fuck. I don’t really have time to brood about it now. I’ve got a damn country to run. I suppose I’ll have to learn whatever crazy ass language they speak over there. and I have no idea what this means to my own American Citizenship! I mean, what am I a dual citizen now? The paper work for this is going to be a nightmare, I can already tell.

Aw crap, it gets worse: Elmo (yes the fucking muppet) seems to be my Vice President. Fucking elections. Fucking politics. Anybody out there fancy sticking your hand up this puppet rulers ass and helping me run Iraq? And by puppet ruler I mean this damn Elmo doll, not me.

Sorry I didn’t post this ON the 27th, as I was too busy LIVING it at the time to write about it.

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 22:02:06 GMT

No wash for the wicked.

I was taking a shower when I heard Kami scream. She had screamed like that before, like on that one occasion some time ago when Christen, my cat, found his way into the snake ‘cage’ presumably to rob the snake of his micey cage-mates and soon-to-be dinner.

“What the fuck is going on?” is what I used to think to myself when I heard screams at out of place times in out of time places. Now, however, I tend to act first, and ask n00b questions later. My body understood that the scream meant the shower was over or was at least to be put on hold and I was to get myself to where kami was ASAFP. I had to get there to deal with god only knows what, now, right now.
For all I knew this was finally a chance to use my mad skills fighting zombies like in those cheesy horror movies. I could see the marquee now: “Tom of the Dead, Eat Lead You Hippy Zombie Bastards!”. How many drills have I gone thru in my head I wonder? How many: “This is IT, THE apocalypse up close and personal! Tuck and roll man! TUCK AND ROLL!” type exclamations had I lived thru only to find out it that they were not THE apocalypse as such, but merely a tiny localized break in some hither to now unbroken routine? So many of my peers seem to lack the ability to deal with disruptions in their routines, like seeing their shoes suddenly transmogrifying into chickens or sled dogs racing suddenly thru kitchens.

I stepped out of the shower, careful not to slip and fall. Its when people hear other people scream, panic themselves, then try to scramble out of showers that soap decides to be under foot and homicidal. Fucking treacherous wet soap. I ran a towel over part of me quickly and only once and donned my pants and shirt and stepped out of the bathroom wet, but fast.

I entered the viewing room (that’s what I call my living room) to an interesting and spine zing-a-ling sight. There was kami, and me. well another me. well, counting the me that just emerged from the shower there were two fucking me’s in the living room. I regarded myself regarding me. I noticed that the other me had longer hair, and I had a wrong-ish sort of aura about me. it was me allright, but it might well be someone disguised as me, I am a sneaky bastard after all.

in some small dark corner in the back of my mind I remembered the doctor-who episodes with multiple doctor-who’s and I remembered my readings about traveling ‘under hill’ into ‘farie’ and I remembered soo many nites of going on the scavenger hunts for mind widgets (which usually turn out to be catalysts made of substance, sometimes a drug, sometimes a rug. With adventure one takes what one gets and runs with it.). I had a feeling I was beginning a very dangerous trip, and I didn’t want to risk any more lives than my own, so I decided to try to ditch kami till the path was completed and the situation, however dire (pretty fucking dire if I had to personally get ME to help ME), had worked itself out.

Kami had screamed because she had watched me go into the shower, but then while she was sitting on the couch watching tv she heard the door open and saw me come in from the kitchen. That I emerged from a room that I had not entered was her initial cause for alarm. She instantly knew that it was another me and screamed, partly thinking that it was a good way to say hello to me but mostly because she had only a moment before realized that she had the hiccups. See when kami has the hiccups we’ve found that if I frighten or startle her then her hiccupps seem to go away. She had just gotten the hiccups and was thinking to herself “oh no, * hic * Thomas has gone into the shower. I won’t be able * hic * to have him startle me till he gets out of the shower. * hic * Oh there he is coming out of the kitchen. His hair is longer tho and he’s got that smug smile on his face that says ‘This ought to get rid of your hiccups’. Aighhhhhh!”. Kami stared at the two of us like we had suddenly become the most interesting game of ping pong ever.

“What the fuck is going on?” I mockingly asked myself. And I mean that literally, in unison no less.

“Is this one of those life or death ‘follow me if you want to live’ scenarios you wonder? I dunno, its always one of those for somebody. Suffice it to say, it’s a matter of the utmost importance that you and I go for a drive and it’s a good idea if you put your shoes on, fast, grab your coat and let’s come on and go already. oh all right, if you waaaant to liiiive. kami should probably stay here tho and hold down the fort.”. my significant other said.

“Ah, so that’s you’re game,” i thought, ”separate me from kami!” Then I realized that kami and I were already in separate rooms when this all began. And who am I to trust if not myself or a reasonable facsimile of me? what the hell, I put on my shoes and coat and told kami to expect a call from me soon, and if I don’t call in over three days, kick on that one plan where we assume I’m dead or dying and call all my peeps to start the hunt for me. it should be easier to find me now that I seem to be spontaneously multiplying.

“where are we going?” I asked of the other longer haired me, as we left my home.

“Only to the forest of Nebraska to talk to the trees about a matter of the utmost importance. Its just a council session basically, and you should be back here after you are clued into what the problem actually is.” the other ‘I’ said.

Only YOU can prevent forest ire!

Me and I. Did I write that correctly? WE, got into a really nice car. Which told me something right there. See, I generally don’t drive nicer cars unless something is wrong. So either this other me was really a ME and some serious shit has hit a big ass fan OR this guy is not one of me at all. Either way meant trouble. What fun. We drove fast and hopped on I-80 out of Lincoln towards York.

In the car the other me explained that that he was not really a me after all. He’s a tree. Albeit a very mobile tree. The james freakin bond of trees, in a very nice disguise that makes him, as a tree, look like me, only with longer hair since they thought that I looked cooler that way. Cheeky bastards, they were right on that point. And we had to go to the forest of nebraska, now, right now. He took the form of me because he and the other sentient multi-existential trees figured I would pay more attention upon seeing ME and would come along post haste. Bastard smug tree, practically glowing with having been right. It made me want to set him on fire and pretend to not hear his screams.

“So fine. You’re a tree and you are taking me to the forest of Nebraska for a council meeting. And-“ he cut me off.

“Oh we are in the forest of Nebraska now. We are almost to the council area, in fact.” He pulled off the interstate, made a sharp fast left and drove very fast down a country road that seemed to be flanked not with a forest full of people-shaped trees but rather lots and lots of wavy stalks of short corn plants.

“so we are IN the forest and I don’t see any trees. Ah ha. Whats the gag? All I see is fields and fields of lame ass fucking corn.” I asked cause I just had to know.

“Well Thomas its like this: see we trees are not ALL sentient multi-existential trees. Most of the trees of the world are hollow chunks of growing wood with no thought in them at all. But a few of us, several thousand of us in fact ARE sentient. And have been around for many hundreds of thousands of years. We have this neat ability to sort of jump from tree to tree. So like if a human is about to chop down a tree, we just take our sentient selves to a different tree. Its easier than changing the shape of ones occupied tree body and walking around.” He explained as he shot me a glance that seemed to say he was put out by having to shape himself to look like me.

“so what? Whats the gig here? You tree guys want to recruit me to help talk other humans into not cutting down so many trees? Because why, you guys too lazy to run?” I asked.

“nah. That’s not a big deal to us. we have been around a lot longer than human beings and can take care of our selves. It’s you new guys that we are worried about. As you cannot see we are driving thru a rather large forest but its disguised to look like big ass fields of corn. Its where a lot of us sentient trees like to hang out, since hopping from tree to tree gets tedious. We have a few forests in different parts of the world, all hidden from humans, in these forests we sentient trees spend most of our time watching over the other inhabitants of our world. We try to guide your progress towards enlightenment.” He smugly confessed as he drove.

“bang up job so far.” I said.

“smart ass.” He replied, “look its not just the humans we watch either. We watch all the living beings of the earth. Its sort of a hobby, really. Helps pass the time. And lately we’ve noticed that you human guys are being really rude to some of your fellow beings. In particular the animals that you guys evolved from, the cows. Your abuse of your fellow beings, the ones you owe your very existence to, has been going on for far too long. And they, the cows, were getting really sad about your dis-ing them soo much being that they love you and all and so we, the trees, tried to council them and square things away with all of you guys. but the cows aren’t hearing it and they are totally pissed now and are out for blood. They too are sentient multi-existential beings like us trees. There are only a few thousand actually sentient cows that hop from cow body to cow body, and any one of them is capable of existing in multiple cow bodies at once, again just like us trees. They usually don’t tho, in the past its usually been one sentient cow per several thousand herds. but since they are totally pissed at humans they have all jumped into one herd out here in Nebraska and are basically planning to expand their conscious control over ALL the cow bodies of the whole world and well, um. kill all humans. Ahem. We, the trees, think this is rude and just because you evolved from them doesn’t give them the right to just get mad at ya and fly off the handle and kill you all, so we are trying to set up a council meeting so that you and several other humans that are capable of multi-existentialism can beg the cows for mercy and apologize on behalf of your entire species for the wrongs that you have inflicted upon them.”

“ahem. Uh. Humans evolved from cows?” I said, while thinking ‘whaaa?’.

“yeah.” He answered. “and they are totally pissed at you guys.”

“Riiiight. Ok. Well im still a little confused as to why I’m having to deal with this. I mean, I pretty much just planned on staying home and watching some simpsons dvds. Is there a reason in particular that I am being tapped to represent ‘we’ humans? I mean, I personally think humans are jerks. And im kinda thinking about what you’ve said and I cant say im all that surprised to hear the cows are pissed at humans and I gotta wonder if maybe I should even bother trying to apologize at all and just maybe, I dunno, let the cows go thru with getting their revenge or whatever on humanity.” As I said this I noticed that we were pulling up to a clearing on the side of the road. I could see a couple of small planes suspended in mid air looking like they crashed into invisible trees while trying to land, and a couple of other really nice cars. There were a few humans standing around with their tree shaped counter parts and they were all just there staring at my tree double and me as we pull up and parked.

“we are here. And yes, there is a reason that you and those other humans over there have been called upon. You and those other humans over there are THE people the cows are pissed off at the most.” He began as he parked the car. He then looked at me and explained further, “see we know about your little protest.”

“our protest?” I asked.

“Yes. Well YOUR protest. We know that while for all intents and purposes it LOOKS like you eat meat and bread and food and all that we know about that little ordeal you went thru when you were a kid. When you found out the stuff you were eating was made out of dead cows.” he said, and I felt an electric chill run up and down my spine.

“well I tell a lot of people about that experience and my beliefs, its not like a state secret or anything.” I replied. He was telling me nothing I didn’t already know about my own belief that I don’t eat meat or plants or any things that have died. Even tho I pretend to on a regular basis. But I was beginning to see that these multi-existential sentient tree guys were meddling bastards and got a kick out of these rare occasions that they could show themselves for the ‘great thinkers’ that they surely are and so I let him continue on hoping he would someday get to the fucking point.

“Yes, Thomas we know that when you were 12 you decided to stop eating dead animal flesh. And for a week you only ate plants. And no, as trees we are not pissed at you about THAT. we know the rest too. that after you realized that plants were also alive, and worse that plants didn’t have the complex motor skills conducive to defending themselves from harvest, you stopped eating plants as well (which by the way, as you can see we can be a lot more mobile than you gave us credit for). We know that first week you ate only plants then after you realized that they too live, from that time on you did not eat anything at all and drank only water. and we know that you were prepared to die of starvation rather than muddy your soul with the ingestion of the dead. You smug pious little git. we know you realized that even tho you expected to die soon and that up until 12 you HAD eaten a lot of burgers and so your soul, by your own standards, was already tainted. even in spite of that you didn’t care to continue living If it meant eating the dead. you excepted to die with the guilt of 12 years worth of burgers on your head but you were not going to make things worse by eating dead plants or animals to keep yourself alive. We know that while you were starved and hallucinating you were in front of that tv, like a good little cow ancestor, but regrettably you were watching public television and saw that doctor-who show that gave you the idea that it might be possible, however unlikely, to go back in time. and that perhaps when you were older you might go back in time and replace any burgers that you had eaten with non-living substitute matter. Very clever. We know at that point you started eating burgers again because you figured that if you could go back and replace the ones you thought you had already eaten then you could darn well go back and replace EVERYTHING you’d ever eaten or would eat with stuff that didn’t have to die for you to continue to live.” He had a look in his, er my eyes that was one of outrage and frustration.

“And?!” I asked, “I mean what? are the cows pissed at me because they think I’m wrong in my belief and that I have been going around eating dead cow parts on a regular basis?”

“AND, no! the cows are pissed at you because you are NOT eating their dead bodies on a regular basis!” he continued.

“haha, whoa! So I was right and I AM gonna find a way to come back in time and not really have to eat dead stuff? right on!” I said, happy at the idea that a long held belief that, lets face it, did not seem all that likely IS in some way being verified to be true after all!

“not right on. you guys, humans, evolved from cows. they were your ancestors. The cows of today know this and want to care for you guys and perpetuate your kind. They want to be eaten, by humans. They were annoyingly loyal and had the pretty simple desire to see you humans better yourselves. They didn’t like that you humans moved around soo fast and didn’t just take time out to stop and eat the daisies. Which by the way as a plant I take particular offence to. They are a bunch of freaking masochists if you ask me or any other sentient multi-existential tree. The cows figured if you feasted on them it would make you more like them, and keep you alive in the process. The cows were happy to serve people by being served to people. then you guys started eating more and more of em. And it made them happier still. Then you started feeding dead cows to other cows, which made the sick masochists down right ecstatic to know that they were becoming more and more pure cowiness. They were literally dropping dead on occasion from sheer bliss!” he explained.

“what, mad cow disease?” I asked.

“What? Um, yeah I guess. Shut up, im trying to bring you up to speed here.” he continued, “the cows were horrified to see that humans were shying away from eating the cows that had been triple or quadruple generations of cow fed cows. The cow-iest of them. the purest cow of them all! it confused them and made them sad. AND it reminded them of you and your ilk. The humans who either actively avoided eating dead cows or worse, the kinds like you who managed to NEVER eat any cow flesh at all ever. To them you guys are like, turning your backs on your heritage or something.” he got out of the car.

I got out of the car and followed him over to the others. One human, a chick who looked kinda hot, had a shirt on that said ‘burn in hell you meat eating pig fuckers!’ and she was standing next to her tree double who wore a shirt that read “I’m with stupid”. The humans were looking sheepish. I joined them feeling not at all sheepish.

I heard an imperial sounding voice in my head. “Right. Good, now that you are all here we can really get started now. As you all now know the cows are pissed. They’ve started a herd of doom and they mean to kill you all.” I glanced around at the others. The tree doubles were standing stark still with a frozen looks of smugness on their faces. The other humans were looking up and around at the sky. I figured they must not hear voices in their heads too often. How boring for them. I thought it was odd that a person would hear a voice in their head and react by looking up then around above their heads.

One of the people looking up actually shook his fist at the sky and screamed “I’ve never had anything against the cows! I love all animals, but if the cows mean to kill all humans and it comes to a war between them and us, then I’d like to see them try and-“ he dropped dead in an ugly way. It happened very fast, one moment he was shaking his fist at the sky and the next it was like he had been stepped on by a giant invisible flyswatter. There was a black and reddish splotch on the ground and after a moment a reddish mist seem to rise up out of it.

The imperial voice in my head continued, “yeah, ok then. Will the cow delegation please refrain from psychic-ly liquefying the chosen representatives of the human species? At least give the poor dumb bastards a chance to apologize and make amends.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

darn i gotta switch computers. i'll keep writing my recounting of the nite of 1-27-2005 when i get to the next computer. just so's ya know i lived thru the experienence.

Obsessive Compulsive Order

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 04:28:03 GMT

I dined on a meal of what seemed like hamburger meat, rice pilaf, and peas. Slowly and methodically I spooned out each pea. One. At. A. Time.

"Why, mother of god WHY, are you picking out all of your peas?" she asks.

"Homicidal madness is often averted when one may gracefully surf outdated social expectations." I replied, lamenting the tragic faux pas of other not-so-ordered obsessive compulsives.

Does she continue to speak? Should I employ a stock reply "Playing with my food or playing with your guts, which do you prefer?"? I honestly don't know, as I'm now torturing myself in trying to figure out or remember how or even IF 'faux pas' may (or shouldn't) be pluralized.

OMVG!

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 18:15:46 GMT

OH MY VARIOUS GODS!

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/apeurope_story.asp?category=1103&slug=Bush%20Satanic%20Sign

"For Texans, the gesture is a sign of love for the University of Texas Longhorns, whose fans are known to shout out 'Hook 'em, 'horns!' at sporting events."

thats funny, IM a texan and in all my years i've only ever seen that hand gesture be used to denote the horned devil head of SATAN SATAN SATAN!

this Longhorns thing must be a NEW tradition. i dare say the bush man was being a tad irresponsible to use a hand gesture that traditionally represents the horned devil head of SATAN SATAN SATAN! especially with the continued menace of radial pseudo Islamic dudes clamoring for holy war against the good ol US of A. this is a public relations nitemare.

high,... ya?

Wed, 19 Jan 2005 19:22:50 GMT

Manly Man Workout Secrets that I’m NOT Supposed to be Talking About

A monologue by Thomas Chrystian Santellana

OK, I have a problem with stretching. See, I like the whole working out thing but my flexibility is way poor. It’s just that I’m a guy, and as a guy I have a sort of preconceived notion that stretching is a girly thing. Ya know? Gymnasts, cheerleaders, topless dancers, yada yada yada. Society has pounded this into me and as much as I resent the idea that stretching is mainly for girls and as much as really do I want to achieve better flexibility- I have issues. Society at large has led me to view stretching as some sort of effeminate thing to do, and so I find it awkward to stretch before and after proper work outs, even though I’m supposed to understand that stretching should be essential to a proper work out. But I’m working out so that I can become more attractive to women after all, one woman in particular, and my gut tells me that if I’m effeminate while working out; then I’m in danger of defeating my own freakin purpose. So I got to brooding about how unfair that is. And that led me to thinking about ninjas, in like the movies and stuff. People, guys in particular, seem to get a kick out of those ninja work out montages. Its all ‘Woo hoo, yeah man that’s cool!’ when the ninja is practicing ninja throwing star accuracy or punching thru stacks of bricks and screaming, but what about the stretching? Ninjas gotta stretch! Do they do this stretching when the camera is off and the film crew is having their daily donuts and gossip? NO. The stretching IS there, and while I brooded over not having a manly way to stretch, with my eyes closed and scenes from ninja movies playing over and over again in my head I realized something. See, ya know those scenes where the ninjas are making elaborate poses while holding their swords? I figure that they are not soo much concerned with the swords as they are with the muscles being stretched out by the posing. Those sneaky ninja bastards! That’s how they got the stretching past us! Why, without those swords in their hands they’d look like total friggin goofs. Granted some people seem to think that ninjas doing sword poses look like goofs inherently, but the rest of society pegs those people for thinking too freely and/or being a little too uptight and so they have 'kick me’ signs secretly put on thier on their backs while the rest of Society laughs at them in the halls. By and by I find I finally have a stretching out, as it were. Now the next time I find myself about to get into a good workout I’ll make damn sure I do my yoga poses and stretching excersises while holding a sword. It irks me that, just at the moment, I don’t happen to have a sword in my possession. I’m more of a dagger person. Oh well. I’ll have to get a sword for working out with soon, but in the meantime I will just have to do my stretching while holding,... a gun! Well, a water gun. But it’s a good start and it is a pretty big water gun! Hahaha, lets see society laugh at my stretching and yoga poses NOW, while I'm holding a water gun!

merry xmas

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 23:21:01 GMT

so like, i lined up a bunch of my dvds that have xmas specials or xmas related content.

im watching:

the simpsons 1st season xmas special,
south park xmas specials season 2, 3 and 4
futurama xmas special season 2 (or 1, i dont remember),
the nero wolfe episode with the xmas party in it,
trading places,
mst3k santa versus the martians,
the blackadder xmas carol,
jesus christ superstar,
life of brian,
american psycho,
basquiat,
mr bean xmas special

and while the holiday stuff is playing im roasting this 4 and a half pound chunk of xmas 'beast'. and im watering the xmas tree-slave. and im doing what i can to keep the cold weather from entering my room, which means lots of weather stripping. also i spent a while earlier calling various friend and family type peeps and wishing them happy xmas, chirstmas, honolulu hanukkha, bitchin bewitchin winter solstice, happy holidayz and all that raz-a-mah taz. i used these calling cards i got from sams club, and im guessing everybody i know has caller id because a number of people didnt answer and some that did were less that cordial and demaded to know what the number was to. such is the folly of using calling cards.

Thomas Chrystian Santellana